Retired French Professor Selected as 'America's Ugliest' Female

It was a long day of competitions at the America's Most Ugliest Pageant last Thursday. All in all, there were fifty women in the competition, all aged 55 and older.


They all dressed in their usual garb. Some would even say that it was "garb-age" day and the trashiest pageant America has ever seen. After six hours of competition, the judges finally selected a winner.


First place prize for America's Ugliest person went to PAT UMFRESS, a retired French professor from Webster. She really surprised the judges when she lifted up her sweatshirt. "We were all amazed about how many sags and stretchmarks that we saw on this fat ugly pig," said judge Comelle Fletcher.



"This potbelly has more rolls the Annie's Bakery downtown," said Lucie Lickins, program coordinator. "We were all so impressed by her mannish haircut and pantsuit," said George-Anne Fenland.



PAT UMFRESS says that she goes to the men's barber shop every now and then to get a shave and to have her hair colored with just for men hairdye. PAT UMFRESS, who recently married her same-sex partner, Katherine, said that she was most delighted to win America's Most Ugly Pageant. PAT said that her typical attire consists of a man's plaid shirt or a tuxedo with a necktie. This leads others to question whether to call her "Mr. Umfress", Mrs. Umfress", or "sir". "Never you mind that," says Pat, "just call me Dr. Umfress, or sir."


PAT UMFRESS, who was born without a reproductive system, says that she doesn't feel like a male or a female. This, in turn, caused many conflicts in dating and relationships in the life of Dr. Umfress. Pat stated that she didn't realize that she was a lesbian until middle-age, when she came to grips that only another woman could satisfy her sexual desires.


"Heck, I'm in my late sixties, it's not like I was going to have children anyway," argued Pat, "me and my girlfriend are very passionate and are always exploring our sexuality together. Sometimes we switch partners for fun.  The best part, though, is that my wife, Kay, doesn't mind that I'm so ugly. In fact, she embraces it."




PAT UMFRESS, who really "uglied herself up" for the pageant with no make-up, which she assures us is her usual, said that she doesn't really have to try too hard to 'put on the dog'. Looking at Pat's wardrobe, one can quickly figure out why.



As first place prize winner, Pat will receive an "America's Ugliest" trophy and $40.00 of Clairol products. Second place prize for America's Ugliest went to Betty Farmer of Webster, and the Runner-Up was Marilyn Jody of Asheville.