Retired French Professor Selected as 'America's Ugliest' Female

It was a long day of competitions at the America's Most Ugliest Pageant last Thursday. All in all, there were fifty women in the competition, all aged 55 and older.


They all dressed in their usual garb. Some would even say that it was "garb-age" day and the trashiest pageant America has ever seen. After six hours of competition, the judges finally selected a winner.


First place prize for America's Ugliest person went to PAT UMFRESS, a retired French professor from Webster. She really surprised the judges when she lifted up her sweatshirt. "We were all amazed about how many sags and stretchmarks that we saw on this fat ugly pig," said judge Comelle Fletcher.



"This potbelly has more rolls the Annie's Bakery downtown," said Lucie Lickins, program coordinator. "We were all so impressed by her mannish haircut and pantsuit," said George-Anne Fenland.



PAT UMFRESS says that she goes to the men's barber shop every now and then to get a shave and to have her hair colored with just for men hairdye. PAT UMFRESS, who recently married her same-sex partner, Katherine, said that she was most delighted to win America's Most Ugly Pageant. PAT said that her typical attire consists of a man's plaid shirt or a tuxedo with a necktie. This leads others to question whether to call her "Mr. Umfress", Mrs. Umfress", or "sir". "Never you mind that," says Pat, "just call me Dr. Umfress, or sir."


PAT UMFRESS, who was born without a reproductive system, says that she doesn't feel like a male or a female. This, in turn, caused many conflicts in dating and relationships in the life of Dr. Umfress. Pat stated that she didn't realize that she was a lesbian until middle-age, when she came to grips that only another woman could satisfy her sexual desires.


"Heck, I'm in my late sixties, it's not like I was going to have children anyway," argued Pat, "me and my girlfriend are very passionate and are always exploring our sexuality together. Sometimes we switch partners for fun.  The best part, though, is that my wife, Kay, doesn't mind that I'm so ugly. In fact, she embraces it."




PAT UMFRESS, who really "uglied herself up" for the pageant with no make-up, which she assures us is her usual, said that she doesn't really have to try too hard to 'put on the dog'. Looking at Pat's wardrobe, one can quickly figure out why.



As first place prize winner, Pat will receive an "America's Ugliest" trophy and $40.00 of Clairol products. Second place prize for America's Ugliest went to Betty Farmer of Webster, and the Runner-Up was Marilyn Jody of Asheville.

Retired Professor Becomes the President Of the N.A.T.P.

"The seat was just calling out for me," says Dr. Patrick "Pat" Umfress, a retired French Professor that taught at Western North Carolina University. "I was so delighted and honored to be chosen as the the chairman and now president of the National Association of Transgendered People, said Pat Umfress, who has been involved in the (GLBTQ) Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Questioning community for the past two decades.

Patrick Umfress, who was originally born "Patricia Umfress" in Mississippi, said that as a little girl, she always felt uncomfortable with her assigned gender and wanted to be one of the boys. Her questioning identity in the years that followed made her consider psychological therapy, however, she didn't want to be labeled as a "nut". In 2000, after years of self-abuse, she decided that a sex-change would be the appropriate choice to make in the transition from female to male. On September 4, 2000 Patricia became "Patrick" and the rest is history.

After menopause ran it's course, Pat Umfress decided that it was time for a reality check. "I was going through a mid-life crisis, as most men do at that age," said Pat. "What I really wanted was to become a man. I felt that a sex-change was necessary so that I could finally come to grips with my true identity. Thanks to the support of all my friends that helped me through the whole thing, I am now a happy man," said Chairman Umfress.

Pat Umfress feels that he can best serve as president of the National Association of Transgendered People because of his extensive background and experience. Chairman Umfress will be confirmed as N.A.T.P. President on June 13, 2011 when current president, Nat Stephens leaves the current spot.
   

Here Come The Lesbian Brides

"It was a busy day of wedding ceremonies here in California as five-hundred and thirty-seven same-sex couples lined up to marry after the State Supreme Court Ruling on Tuesday," said Mayor Ted Varmelian.

All of the county clerks were busy helping couples file for licenses, many of whom have waited for years and even decades to become married.

"My partner Jo and I have been housemates for thirty-five years and we both felt that it was about time to tie the knot and get hitched," says Marilyn Jody, who flew all the way across the country from North Carolina for the once in a lifetime opportunity to get married.

Marilyn and Jo, who are both retired, said that it was important for them to openly express their love toward one another.

The ceremony, officiated by Reverend Carl "Carla" Feinberg, who later participated in a marriage ceremony with his partner, Kevin, says that the group weddings were like a cafeteria line -one couple after another.

"We saw many lovely brides pass through here," said Mayor Varmelian. Some of the brides even wore gowns designed by the Reverend's new husband, Kevin Rhymer.

"It feels so good to finally be married," said newlyweds Pat and Kay Umfress.

This couple, who also tied the knot here on Tuesday, came along with friends Marilynn, Jo Anne, Florence, and Angela.

Pat Umfress, a transgendered female, who played the part of the groom, wore a tuxedo, tie, and men's pants.

Kay Hill-Umfress wore a light-beige pantsuit highlighted by a crew-cut hair style.

Mr./Mrs. Umfress said that they were already planning their honeymoon, which would, of course, be at their favorite spot- Paris, France.

Pat Umfress said that her(his) wife fits like a glove and it was the dream wedding that they had always dreamed of.

As the day drew to a close, Rev. Feinberg and his partner went to their spot on the altar, and exchanged their vows and their rings.

They walked down the aisle as the guests applauded and tossed rice.

Kevin, "the bride", tossed his bouquet backward and his sister, Tracey, was the lucky bridesmaid who caught it.

After all was said and done, 537 same-sex couples were married as well as the Reverend himself.

"This is the change that we wanted to see here in California and across the country," said Sacramento Mayor, Ted Varmelian, who is now planning a wedding with his secretary, Bob.